Rotten words, Rotten minds

As far as I can remember, I ‘ve gone through worst… worst that you can ever imagine. The process I undertook last 4 years ago had brought me the sense of individuality that shaped my mind as of this moment. I barely remember the scenes and exact words to note but I could still feel the intensity of what I had experienced from that part of my life.

Those who really knew my story branded me as a strong woman on pace of this life. I have gone through numerous ups and downs in life. Psychological tortures and physical ones which some of my friends never knew about. I intended to just shut it up but it came too soon on my mind that I should just write a blog about my deepest feelings… Those untold ones.

I have encountered battles on which I carefully chosen. Knowing ones level of character is enough for me to either enjoy the show or be with the serye. I doubt that most people would want the supporting role. Of course, most of them liked it to be the center of attraction. It’s always been that way. Never realized it yet?

I met a lot of people almost different and almost similar ones. It just, overwhelms me to observe how some acted to be too good at the start in front of you but suddenly they begins to be ignorant behind your back. “Contempt” “Jealousy” “Envy” those three words would roll side by side to pull you down. Their goals is to pull you down when they see something great about you. That’s life. Shit happens and you just gotta never care such bullshits.

Its funny how I used to hear fluttering words from anyone yet as time goes by, the authenticity fades away sooner just because you can’t give what they want or just because you are above them. For real, I mean, if they can’t reach you, they wanted you to be pulled over. Its so funny and very entertaining at least. Like a circus trail. Pretending to be something and making themselves pretentious as fuck just to smell great yet they rot on the inside.

Who would ever want to speak out of junk on the sea side? Most people out there do. They just spit out toxicity and polluting themselves every now and then. They are trying to outwit anybody and tell themselves they are the better person. What a waste of time babbling on such messes. You know what I mean. Ever experienced such things? HAHAHA I guess my very existence would threaten their own good. My goodness!

While others are so infuriating, best people would come and most of them are the ones who never tell a single fat lie about you. WE all demand for authenticity yet it is so hypocrite for others to be pretentious that they are the better ones. Making issues and correcting your mind by a crippled mind is too funny. Bad mouthing other people just to make them feel good. Too entertaining. pffftttt.

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Puting Rosas

Sa bawat paglakad ay damang dama ang labis na pagkasabik ng puso. Hindi maintindihan ang nadarama sa unang sulyap ng iyong mga mata. Tila bukambibig ang lahat ng matatamis na bagay sa mundo. Ang sarili ay ‘di maalintana sapagkat tumatangis ang bawat silakbol ng damdamin at ika’y niyakap sa unang pagkakataon… Oo, sa kauna-unahang pagkakataong nakita ka, sa wakas.

Kasing bilis rin ng dyip ang pag-apaw ng kasiyahang hatid ng bawat pag-ngiti. Hindi pansin ang paligid pagkat ang iyong paggalaw lamang ang tanging sinisilip. Sulyap ng mata’y hindi maiwas, karugtong ng pag-ambit ng bawat tinaga mula sa iyong malalim na pagbigkas na tila’y musika sa ‘king pandinig.

Mga kwentong marathon na hindi mahahalili sa mga nababasa sa telebisyon. Kahit maghapon na magkasama’y tuloy pa rin ang pagkilala sa isa’t isa na ‘di ko mawari na ganito pala… Ganito pala kaysarap titigan ang iyong mga mata, pakinggan ang iyong mga tinaga, ang hawakan ang iyong mga kamay, ang sumandal sa iyong balikat habang pinapakinggan ang musikang tayo lamang ang nakakarinig. Ganito pala kaysarap mahulog sa iyo, oh, giliw ko.

Di ko namalayan ang oras ng bawat pag patak ng segundo sa bawat pagtama ng ating mga mata ay tila natatamaan ang puso. Hahayaan nalang ang damdamin na tila langit ang nadarama tulad ng pagsikat ng araw sa silangan hanggang sa paglubog nito sa kanluran. Walang katapusang saloobin kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Sa kung ano ang meron sa wala at kung ano ang wala sa meron. Pagkat ‘di ko mapagtanto kung bakit tila ang pagtawa mo ang pinapapangarap ko.

Ang mga butuin sa kalangitan ay walang katulad sa kislap ng iyong mga mata. Ang pagdampi ng lamig ng hangin sa aking balat ay ‘di alintana pagkat ang presensya mo ay nangingibabaw. Isinawasiwas lamang ang pagka hiya ‘pagkat hangad lamang ay ang makilala ka. Hindi pansin ang mga taong nasa paligid dahil sa patuloy kong pinagmamasdan ang bawat anggulo mo na babaunin ko sa pag-alis. Sa pag-alis kong baon ang iyong mga ngiti at tawa, baon ang kwento mong salamin ng iyong buhay, baon ang mga alaalang parte ako ng buhay mo sa oras na ito.. mula sa ‘ting pagkikita hanggang sa aking pagsakay.

Sa pagduyan ay laman ng isipan ang pangakong hintayan. Sa dapit hapon ng ating pag liway, tugma ang bawat ritmo na sumasang-ayon sa labis na tiwala na ‘di malilimutan kailanpaman. Hindi linggid sa ‘king kaalaman na ganito pala kasaya ang isiping hindi ako nag-iisa sa pagtungo sa kinabukasan. Sa tuwina ay napapaindak sa saya, dama ang kaba, at lahat ng pwedeng madama sa hatid nitong hamon sa buhay ko. ‘Di mapigil ang mabilis na pagtibok ng puso, tanong ko tuloy, ito na ba ang para sa akin?

Pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili sa kasiyahang parang sumasabog ang lahat ng nasa loob ko. Kasabay ng pag-agos ng dugo sa aking mga ugat ay ang paggulo ng sistema na ‘di ko lubos maintindihan. Ngunit kabigha-bighani ang kapayapaang natagpuan sa balikat mo nang sa pagsandal ko’y dama ang bawat sandali nito.

Walang pakundangan ang kulitan na sa’yo lamang iaalay. Pangako ay mananaig, magunaw man ang daigdig. Pero alam kong daig ka pa saken kung kiligin, awh ah. Hahahaha! Tila wala na ‘tong katapusan, tadhana na ang may sadya tulad ng kalawakang walang hanggan. Sa daraang araw, oras, at sandali,  dagdag sa mithiin ko sa buhay, ay aalayan ka ng pang-habangbuhay- wagas at tapat na suyuan hanggang sa huli oh, giliw ko.

October 29, 2016

 

 

Come what may

I looked at the stars yet I saw darkness. I was thinking that whichever corner my eyes drew into, there will always be that longing for sparks. Just a little forward? backward? side ward? How much farther can I go for distant lights? How many years does it take to say that “life has finally happened to me!”

 

Wishing for the right time, patience has its way to offer for the best. In midst of difficulties, one must soar high to collect stars, not by gazing but to reach for them. To jump high, no, but to jump higher and believe that we are the stars of our own selves.

 

Failures make us stronger and independent. I am one of the billion people in the world who has gone countless depression and frustrations in life. And I say sorry for myself, for the things I have done and for the things I have failed to accomplish. I don’t want to rant each part of it but in general, to aim for the best shot is not that easy. Bumpy roads and a never ending ups and downs do come in my way but I know God has come to save the day. I admit, I once told myself to just give up because it is the easier than to keep up the struggles going. But the Lord is keeping on pursuing me to stay still and focus on forward. I have tried to step down that road of sorrows just to consider my tiredness. But, soon I realized, I can never escape that road. The longer I remain sitting down on that corner, is the longer it would make me to see the best days of my life. I know right now, it may seem like I have not yet done my best-est yet, but I also know for sure that every single day is closer to improvement as long as I keep going and go for the extra mile. My dreams are still inside of me. Keeping the fire burning and a never ending adventure awaits. Come what may.

 

In time

In time,

we would wonder why,

why things would happen out of our control.

 

In time,

we would be puzzled,

puzzled about how we handle our life.

 

In time,

we would be convinced,

convinced that life isn’t perfect.

 

In time,

we would become regretful,

regretful with the chances we didn’t take.

 

In time,

we would try to think,

think about the dreams we want to achieve.

 

In time,

we would realize,

realize that at the end of the day, we are left alone.

 

In time,

we would discover,

discover that we are free as birds fly above.

 

In time,

we would fight,

fight for the good fight of faith.

 

In time,

we would fly,

fly to the other side of the world to find ourselves.

 

In time,

we would ditch,

ditch our fears and doubts to face the unknown.

 

In time,

we would sacrifice,

sacrifice our life for someone to live.

 

In time,

we would make a choice,

make a choice between what you want or what is right.

 

In time,

we would forget,

forget about reality and truths.

 

In time,

we would struggle,

struggle to ride on the bumpy road of life.

 

In time,

we would forgive,

forgive ourselves from the mistakes we made.

 

In time,

we would wish,

wish that tomorrow will get better.

 

In time,

we would accept,

accept that life is what we make it.

 

In time,

we would do more,

do more than just exist.

 

Because in time,

we would love,

love to see the world much more differently.

 

Because in time,

we would smile,

smile despite the tears falling from our eyes.

 

Because in time,

we would hide,

hide the pain and make the world wonder why.

 

Because in time,

we would grow strong,

grow strong and never be afraid to go wrong.

 

Because in time,

we would feel,

feel the glimpse of heaven for real.

 

In time.

In time..

In time…