Heartbreak

‘Pag naiisip ko siya, nalulungkot ako. I acted like it wasn’t a big deal, when really it was breaking my heart. Dahil sa pinagkatiwalaan ko siya ng lubos at iniwan niya lang ako sa huli. Hindi ko inakalang darating din ‘yung point na magiging ganito.

‘Yung sakit na nakakamatay. Aray. Ouch. Parang sinaksak ang dibdib ko ng milyong beses. Wow. Inasa ko sa kanya ang kaligayahan ko, ginawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko para mapasaya ko lang siya, pero wala eh. Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

Seryoso na ako sa pag-ibig ko, eh siya ba, minahal niya ba talaga ako? Feeling ko, ang puso ko’y napaglaruan lamang. Mahina akong tao, pero nagpapakatatag ako para sa sarili, pamilya at para kay God. The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve.

Deserve ko ba talaga ang ganitong kapalaran? It feels like, no matter how good of a woman I am, I will never be good enough to a man who isn’t ‘Ready’. Parang gusto ko nalang umiyak ng balde-baldeng luha. Kasi.. masakit.. masakit ‘yung maipagpalit ka lang sa iba. Masakit ‘yung minamahal mo siya kahit sinasaktan ka niya. Masakit kasi, may iba na siya dahil sa distansya niyong milya-milya. Sukatan ba talaga ang distansya sa pagmamahal? It feels like I’m losing myself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing me.

Nakakatawang isipin na for two years, nasa kanya ang sentro ng mundo ko. Ang mahahabang reply, at mga gabi-gabing puyatan ay nasayang lang pala. “You were never supposed to mean this much to me; I was never supposed to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that’s the truth, that’s what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let you go.” Naging motto ko ‘to DATI. Pero ngayon. Nagpapakamanhid ako sa nasapit kong ito. Mabigat sa loob syempre na ipagpalit ka sa ibang babae nang hindi mo alam. “Maybe one day, I’ll be what you need. But don’t wait too long… Because the day you want me, may be the day I’ve finally given up..”

Akala ko talaga, Siya na ang THE ONE- GOD’S WILL kumbaga. Akala ko lang ‘yun dre. AKALA KO LANG. Nais kong sumigaw sa sobrang sakit, pero may makakarinig pa ba? No matter how strong a girl is, she always has a breaking point.

What screw us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be. Because supposedly, pinangako naming sa isa’t-isa na maghihintayan.. Unfortunately, SHIT HAPPENS. If someone is stupid enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let them go.

At ‘eto pa ang pinaka-matinde, Siya pa ang nakipagbreak saken. Ang tanga ko rin naman para maniwala sa cool-off at space niya. I told myself : “ Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad.”

Sana masabihan ko ang next girl na mag-ingat sa mga kasinungalingan niya. He asked for a chance last October 16, 2013 at nakipag-break lang pag ika 14 ng Pebrero, 2014. Wow. Belib din ako sa galing niya. Blockbuster hit. Parang sampal sa pagkababae ko ang ginawa niya. That’s what happens when you let people in, and they destroy you.

Summer days of 2014, stupid me. Lagi pa rin kaming nagkikita kahit wala na kami for the sake that I hope that we could work things out again. Minsan bulag talaga ang pag-ibig, kahit nagpapakatanga ka na, ‘GO LANG NG GO dre!’. So, If a girl understands your bullshit, sticks through your mistakes, smiles even when you’ve done nothing for her, it’s obvious she’s a keeper. But it’s also obvious that you don’t deserve her. BOOM.

Ang sakit talaga. Ang sakit sakit ng ginawa niya sa’kin. Ewan ko lang kung mapapatawad ko pa siya o ang mismong sarili ko. What’s wrong with me? Ano bang kakulangan ko? Ganito ba ‘pag sobra kang magmahal dapat na sobra ring masaktan? All of us, wanted to love and be loved in return. To feel we are valued and cared for. One of the hardest things to do in life, is letting go of what you thought was real.

Sana, mapatawad ko pa siya at ang sarili ko. Gusto kong makalimot sa sakit na dulot ng nakaraan. Maybe, just maybe.. I entrusted my heart to the wrong guy. He borrowed my heart yet he just returned it to me broken in pieces. I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. Oh Dear Me, it may seem like the wrong thing to do but you have to forget about the guy who forgot about you.

Lagi nalang ganito sa aming dalawa, paulit-ulit… away-bati. Sasaya ka sa piling niya dahil after niyang mag-“sorry”, papatawarin agad. No questions ask. Pero pag sinaktan ka niya, hayun, iiyak ka na naman. Minsan, naiisip ko na ang hina kong babae. Yes, I admit it. I cried a lot everytime he hurts me. Pinapababa ko na pride ko, but even so, it seems nothing matters to what I say to him. I struggled to fix every problem we have… but it also seems, the fight I’m trying to win is the fight that I am going to be defeated in the end.

One of the hardest things to do in life is walk away from someone you love. But sometimes you have no choice.(sigh*)

Dahil sa kanya, mas nalilimutan ko na ‘yung mga bagay na importante pa sa isang romantic relationship. Lesson learned. I said to myself: “Ayoko na ng ganitong paulit-ulit na cycle.” She moved on, and I feel sorry for you, because she thought you were the most amazing boy ever. If she could have had any guy in the world, she still would have picked you. Now, you’re just another part of her past, a memory more faded every day. And someday, she’ll find the one she deserves, and he will make her the happiest girl in the world.

Babangon ako sa pagkakalugmok ng sarili. This is my greatest downfall in life. But I have faith in the Lord, and I still have the people I value the most in my life- Mama, Papa and Sis, Friends that always support me. I believe that the ones who love you will never leave you. Even if there are hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on.

Actually, ‘di ko naman talaga kailangan ng guy para madama kong “loved” ako at para ma prove and existence ko ditto sa world. Every girl is a freak, it just takes the right guy to bring it out. Eenjoyin ko ‘tong single life ko, dahil alam kong minsan lang ang maging Malaya. Hindi man kami nag work-out, alam kong darating din ang taong babago ng pananaw ko sa buhay at ang taong magtuturo sa ‘kin kung paano magmahal. Ang madarama ang tunay na kahulugan nito and the one guy who will bring out the best of me.

Yung lalaking yun, sana mahanap niya na rin ang taong para sa kanya. I wish I could hurt you the way you hurt me. But I know that if I had the chance, I wouldn’t do it. Siguro, sa ngayon, nasasaktan pa rin ako, pero, I will never forget the things I’ve learned in a relationship. Ang pag-ingatan ang puso at ipagkatiwala lamang sa taong deserving nito.

Forgiving you is my gift to you. Moving on is my gift to myself. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

God didn’t give me the strength to get back on me feet so that I can run back to the same thing that knocked me down.

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free. ❤

2012-2014

#RBA