Heartbreak

‘Pag naiisip ko siya, nalulungkot ako. I acted like it wasn’t a big deal, when really it was breaking my heart. Dahil sa pinagkatiwalaan ko siya ng lubos at iniwan niya lang ako sa huli. Hindi ko inakalang darating din ‘yung point na magiging ganito.

‘Yung sakit na nakakamatay. Aray. Ouch. Parang sinaksak ang dibdib ko ng milyong beses. Wow. Inasa ko sa kanya ang kaligayahan ko, ginawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko para mapasaya ko lang siya, pero wala eh. Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

Seryoso na ako sa pag-ibig ko, eh siya ba, minahal niya ba talaga ako? Feeling ko, ang puso ko’y napaglaruan lamang. Mahina akong tao, pero nagpapakatatag ako para sa sarili, pamilya at para kay God. The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve.

Deserve ko ba talaga ang ganitong kapalaran? It feels like, no matter how good of a woman I am, I will never be good enough to a man who isn’t ‘Ready’. Parang gusto ko nalang umiyak ng balde-baldeng luha. Kasi.. masakit.. masakit ‘yung maipagpalit ka lang sa iba. Masakit ‘yung minamahal mo siya kahit sinasaktan ka niya. Masakit kasi, may iba na siya dahil sa distansya niyong milya-milya. Sukatan ba talaga ang distansya sa pagmamahal? It feels like I’m losing myself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing me.

Nakakatawang isipin na for two years, nasa kanya ang sentro ng mundo ko. Ang mahahabang reply, at mga gabi-gabing puyatan ay nasayang lang pala. “You were never supposed to mean this much to me; I was never supposed to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that’s the truth, that’s what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let you go.” Naging motto ko ‘to DATI. Pero ngayon. Nagpapakamanhid ako sa nasapit kong ito. Mabigat sa loob syempre na ipagpalit ka sa ibang babae nang hindi mo alam. “Maybe one day, I’ll be what you need. But don’t wait too long… Because the day you want me, may be the day I’ve finally given up..”

Akala ko talaga, Siya na ang THE ONE- GOD’S WILL kumbaga. Akala ko lang ‘yun dre. AKALA KO LANG. Nais kong sumigaw sa sobrang sakit, pero may makakarinig pa ba? No matter how strong a girl is, she always has a breaking point.

What screw us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be. Because supposedly, pinangako naming sa isa’t-isa na maghihintayan.. Unfortunately, SHIT HAPPENS. If someone is stupid enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let them go.

At ‘eto pa ang pinaka-matinde, Siya pa ang nakipagbreak saken. Ang tanga ko rin naman para maniwala sa cool-off at space niya. I told myself : “ Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad.”

Sana masabihan ko ang next girl na mag-ingat sa mga kasinungalingan niya. He asked for a chance last October 16, 2013 at nakipag-break lang pag ika 14 ng Pebrero, 2014. Wow. Belib din ako sa galing niya. Blockbuster hit. Parang sampal sa pagkababae ko ang ginawa niya. That’s what happens when you let people in, and they destroy you.

Summer days of 2014, stupid me. Lagi pa rin kaming nagkikita kahit wala na kami for the sake that I hope that we could work things out again. Minsan bulag talaga ang pag-ibig, kahit nagpapakatanga ka na, ‘GO LANG NG GO dre!’. So, If a girl understands your bullshit, sticks through your mistakes, smiles even when you’ve done nothing for her, it’s obvious she’s a keeper. But it’s also obvious that you don’t deserve her. BOOM.

Ang sakit talaga. Ang sakit sakit ng ginawa niya sa’kin. Ewan ko lang kung mapapatawad ko pa siya o ang mismong sarili ko. What’s wrong with me? Ano bang kakulangan ko? Ganito ba ‘pag sobra kang magmahal dapat na sobra ring masaktan? All of us, wanted to love and be loved in return. To feel we are valued and cared for. One of the hardest things to do in life, is letting go of what you thought was real.

Sana, mapatawad ko pa siya at ang sarili ko. Gusto kong makalimot sa sakit na dulot ng nakaraan. Maybe, just maybe.. I entrusted my heart to the wrong guy. He borrowed my heart yet he just returned it to me broken in pieces. I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. Oh Dear Me, it may seem like the wrong thing to do but you have to forget about the guy who forgot about you.

Lagi nalang ganito sa aming dalawa, paulit-ulit… away-bati. Sasaya ka sa piling niya dahil after niyang mag-“sorry”, papatawarin agad. No questions ask. Pero pag sinaktan ka niya, hayun, iiyak ka na naman. Minsan, naiisip ko na ang hina kong babae. Yes, I admit it. I cried a lot everytime he hurts me. Pinapababa ko na pride ko, but even so, it seems nothing matters to what I say to him. I struggled to fix every problem we have… but it also seems, the fight I’m trying to win is the fight that I am going to be defeated in the end.

One of the hardest things to do in life is walk away from someone you love. But sometimes you have no choice.(sigh*)

Dahil sa kanya, mas nalilimutan ko na ‘yung mga bagay na importante pa sa isang romantic relationship. Lesson learned. I said to myself: “Ayoko na ng ganitong paulit-ulit na cycle.” She moved on, and I feel sorry for you, because she thought you were the most amazing boy ever. If she could have had any guy in the world, she still would have picked you. Now, you’re just another part of her past, a memory more faded every day. And someday, she’ll find the one she deserves, and he will make her the happiest girl in the world.

Babangon ako sa pagkakalugmok ng sarili. This is my greatest downfall in life. But I have faith in the Lord, and I still have the people I value the most in my life- Mama, Papa and Sis, Friends that always support me. I believe that the ones who love you will never leave you. Even if there are hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on.

Actually, ‘di ko naman talaga kailangan ng guy para madama kong “loved” ako at para ma prove and existence ko ditto sa world. Every girl is a freak, it just takes the right guy to bring it out. Eenjoyin ko ‘tong single life ko, dahil alam kong minsan lang ang maging Malaya. Hindi man kami nag work-out, alam kong darating din ang taong babago ng pananaw ko sa buhay at ang taong magtuturo sa ‘kin kung paano magmahal. Ang madarama ang tunay na kahulugan nito and the one guy who will bring out the best of me.

Yung lalaking yun, sana mahanap niya na rin ang taong para sa kanya. I wish I could hurt you the way you hurt me. But I know that if I had the chance, I wouldn’t do it. Siguro, sa ngayon, nasasaktan pa rin ako, pero, I will never forget the things I’ve learned in a relationship. Ang pag-ingatan ang puso at ipagkatiwala lamang sa taong deserving nito.

Forgiving you is my gift to you. Moving on is my gift to myself. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

God didn’t give me the strength to get back on me feet so that I can run back to the same thing that knocked me down.

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free. ❤

2012-2014

#RBA

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All “Throw” It

“You can’t keep misery from coming, but you don’t have to give it a chair to sit on.”

Everybody has gone into something that changed them, right? As we look back to the bigger picture of it, somehow, it affected our present existence.

I have my own problems. You have your own. Have you ever thought of keeping it all your life?

Then you might answer me:

“What else can I do?”

At this moment, throw it.

Because you can’t just let your problems eat you. Being digested is like being ruined. And I tell you, your life is at stake.

You should live everyday like if it’s your last. Don’t let your problems run through your system. Time is running. And every second lost, is time wasted.

Life as we know it, is not perfect. But people tend to achieve a perfect life. We plan for what we think is the best for us despite of the imperfectness of things as long as it’ll make us happy.

What we must accept is the fact that even though everyone has their own personal problems what they do is to keep on waking up and live for their dreams. Because suffering is just temporary. You can take the venture to discover that it is just a part of life. Without the chili and spicy flavor , do you think living would be worth the taste? Without the hollows and bumps, do you think life would be worth the ride?

It is not the destination but it’s the journey that matters the most. You, yourself knows exactly how heavy the load you’re carrying right now. But, it’s not how heavy the load is, but on how you carry it through this adventure. Never lose hope to reach the dreams that you once thought.

You might think that life seems to be unfair. But I tell you, it is not ! Because our life is written by the same pen. The author of my life is the same author as yours. You might lose hope at the bumpy roads, but lift up your arms and get ready to be lifted up. For He is with you.

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Lonely Poet from Southeast

Almie Jane P. Catulay, Philippines

Across the vast ocean of Visayas,

There is an island called Panay,

Where this lonely poet resides,

It is where her education is located.

From the scorching heat of the sun,

To the singing breeze of wind,

She sailed across the islands of Surigao

To Cebu and To Iloilo.

Lovely view, she sees.

Hoping for hope,

A career in the future,

As lovely as a tree.

She doubts for golds and madness

Instead she aims for joy and fulfillness

The day her feet stop by in the port,

Feeling of loneliness she felt away.

Breakingaway those sorrows,

Working it out to and fro

Thoroughly embodied knowledge

And wisdom to be wise.

This lonely poet has a lover.

A lover from there province,

I say no months of tears,

Say no days of sadness.

There comes moments of despairs,

No one to hold, no one to cure.

Just a little prayer,

All she became was a healer.

Soon after the downs and failures,

Love will find her way,

All those broken promises and

Disappointments all faded away.

Strengthened her heart

Accepted the defeat,

All the love she ever receive,

She’s thankful as can be.

To be a fool is a choice,

To be a martyr twice is stupidity,

To be moron is a sin,

To be weak is illness.

The heart of the lonely poet,

All turned into pieces,

When she saw his loving lover,

Sitting down staring at another bliss.

Crying it loud last night

On the day of the hearts she lay,

One letter to God she sent,

Hoping for the recovery of her soul.

Painful as it may sound,

Hurting as it may to tell.

All the sacrificed joy all poured,

To a guy who just taken her for granted, I’m sure.

Deeper meaning of words,

The lonely poet sat down to write

A poem of feelings as it she call it,

Profound understanding is her hobby.

She tried to close her eyes,

She remembered the very detail

How he looks at her,

That stare he had given once for her.

The lonely poet tried to look back

Reminisced all the memories that they had

She asked why and where did she go wrong,

She asked what else am I less for?

Convincing oneself to love you is harsh

Pity is the source.

Like a rose, trampled on the ground,

Her feelings was dying for him.

Due to a numerous of chances,

Nothing changed just the becoming of worst,

Living through the promises of forever

Where would it take her by the lies?

Poor lonely poet,

All was left was her thoughts of feelings,

Being cheated, robbed by the man he trusts

She doesn’t know how to live by again,

New day has come,

New unfolded thoughts coming up.

It might be sounding so quick,

Atlast she comes to her senses.

To know her limits,

To know her worth,

Importance to her youth,

Significance to her existence.

Live not by giving the happiness to a person

Being careful enough to trust it all

Heart is just a fragile cause

Might be damaged and hard to heal itself.

She stand tall and let it go,

Everyday where she goes,

She will remember him,

Not just a memory but a lesson.

Wasted love she might say,

Through it all, it’s worth the try.

The trial in search for true love isn’t easy afterall.

In the long run, one will not leave you nor forsake you.

That’s Jesus Christ, she believes in Him,

The one real love of all,

Her faith on Him rising up

Like a phoenix on fire.

To love is for two,

Not just for one,

To love is to heal,

To forgive and to be humble.

To love and be loved in return,

To be happy, and to make someone happy,

To give and never expect to receive.

To create an everlasting sense of commitment.

Trust is important,

Never lose it.

Love is both a choice and a feeling.

Never take it for granted.

The lonely poet is moving on,

Leaving the past behind her.

To continue life,

And living life to the fullest.

She discovers that she has everything,

She has Christ, Family, Friends and good education.

She somehow realizes how important it is to take care of her heart.

To free herself from loss and let it not be part.

Her life is like a rolling stone,

Sometimes she’s up, sometimes she’s down.

But she never is afraid to walk thru it.

Along its final way, she knew she will survive.

The perfect time will come,

By God’s perfect plan it will be very soon.

To delight by God’s love,

Hope will never die from her heart.

The lonely poet never know where it will be going,

She will just enjoy the thrill or dismay.

But she believes in her heart,

God has prepared a man exclusively only for her.

“Come what may lonely poet, Come what may my dearest self.”

The Little Red Panda Saved by a Brown Koala Bear

Friday morning in her pink shirt and paled blue shorts,

Wake up at 7 am and trying to get up.

But she can’t, just can’t.

Wait a minute, said she.

In her light black eyes, she bulged her eyelids,

in her arousal, she stood up and pray.

At her bed she was in doubt,

to find some little mistakes at this very day of 12th of december.

Still wondering about her large Choco latte colored bear,

if she ever leave, who would take care of this poor creature?

She asked and asked, until a friend volunteered!

“Relief”, said she.

On her waist, she placed her hand,

On her hand, she mumbled and wondered,

on her feet, she found out ones missing,

undressed 2 feet, 10 little fingers in cold.

“Where art thou”, asked she.

Her green slippers are gone, in her dismay she walked outside.

In the advent of her discovery,

Black large slippers were displayed.

“Could I borrow this my friendly fellow?” asked she.

“Yes” said he.

Taddah, her dear little ten finger feet were all alived

Once cold now once on heat.

She walked down the road and about to pee.

4 doors never was opened and shocked.

“Oh my, said she.”

She went to the corner and mumbled,

this red little panda is in trouble.

She went back to her bed and was saddened,

Trying to ease the pain on her stomach.

At her courage mind, she went out with guts,

Gone to a new house, residing at the porch beside the green valley,

the red little panda found a white shining door.

“What a wonderful sight!” said she

She went through the door and “Viola!”

The white tub suits her and comforts.

After the discomfort of this little red panda,

She uttered and said,” OH MY GEE!”

She found out something horrible

And it makes her so trembled.

The door was locked and she was trapped!

Poor little red panda, Poor little red panda.

At her dismay, she pondered, “Don’t wanna be here forever!”

She shouted for help but no one heard it.

She knocked on hardly, she knew somebody would come.

Along with her dreadful situation, tears would fall.

But before it could happen, she heard a voice!

“A trapped one!”

As her heart was pounding loud, so nervous and so hopeful

Somebody will save her as she pulled the knob trigger

and watch it be destroyed and fallen

To see the world again, to feel the breeze again,

“Help” said she

“Yes, I will help you out, ” said he

In her cries and loneliness, fears disappear,

As the locked door was opened,

As it turned broken,

As she heard the cracking sound of the door opening,

she was finally saved and mumbled, “My Savior”

And there he is, a Brown Koala bear with gleaming eyes

and charming smile, “HAHAAH, you’re saved.”

and then the brown creature jumped off nowhere.,

The little red panda, who was frightened was enlightened.

By the Brown Koala bear who saved her,

At her bed, she wished to see him again,

“Hope I might see you My brown savior”, said she

Happiness is what she found,

Her knight and shining Brown Koala Bear.

-adopted story