the wait is over.

I once remember the way you smile at me. When the sun was up shining and burst out its heated light upon me. I wonder what makes me so excited yet so nervous of that certain moment. I have found one thing that could never be compared with such intense glow– YOUR SMILE.

Every single day I have imagined of not getting up early in bed just to go home and be apart from you. What is on my mind is a hot choco with pancakes and extra sweet morning wake up call from you–YOUR KISSES.

So much of it that I ended up wondering how’s this life may go but what I know for sure is a bright future with you whom I have loved so much, whom I love dearly, whom I will love for eternity. As you surround me with your warm atmosphere and holding me close to you like you will never let me go, let me be inside–YOUR ARMS.

I have never felt so conscious like before. Have I got my lipstick already? Or have I brush my teeth or comb my hair yet? What else to wear? I cannot decide that easily because of your delicate looks that makes me uneasy-YOUR EYES.

Days come and years go, but this I know for sure… That you’re the one that I’ve been waiting for.

And I can finally say, the wait is over.

Puting Rosas

Sa bawat paglakad ay damang dama ang labis na pagkasabik ng puso. Hindi maintindihan ang nadarama sa unang sulyap ng iyong mga mata. Tila bukambibig ang lahat ng matatamis na bagay sa mundo. Ang sarili ay ‘di maalintana sapagkat tumatangis ang bawat silakbol ng damdamin at ika’y niyakap sa unang pagkakataon… Oo, sa kauna-unahang pagkakataong nakita ka, sa wakas.

Kasing bilis rin ng dyip ang pag-apaw ng kasiyahang hatid ng bawat pag-ngiti. Hindi pansin ang paligid pagkat ang iyong paggalaw lamang ang tanging sinisilip. Sulyap ng mata’y hindi maiwas, karugtong ng pag-ambit ng bawat tinaga mula sa iyong malalim na pagbigkas na tila’y musika sa ‘king pandinig.

Mga kwentong marathon na hindi mahahalili sa mga nababasa sa telebisyon. Kahit maghapon na magkasama’y tuloy pa rin ang pagkilala sa isa’t isa na ‘di ko mawari na ganito pala… Ganito pala kaysarap titigan ang iyong mga mata, pakinggan ang iyong mga tinaga, ang hawakan ang iyong mga kamay, ang sumandal sa iyong balikat habang pinapakinggan ang musikang tayo lamang ang nakakarinig. Ganito pala kaysarap mahulog sa iyo, oh, giliw ko.

Di ko namalayan ang oras ng bawat pag patak ng segundo sa bawat pagtama ng ating mga mata ay tila natatamaan ang puso. Hahayaan nalang ang damdamin na tila langit ang nadarama tulad ng pagsikat ng araw sa silangan hanggang sa paglubog nito sa kanluran. Walang katapusang saloobin kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Sa kung ano ang meron sa wala at kung ano ang wala sa meron. Pagkat ‘di ko mapagtanto kung bakit tila ang pagtawa mo ang pinapapangarap ko.

Ang mga butuin sa kalangitan ay walang katulad sa kislap ng iyong mga mata. Ang pagdampi ng lamig ng hangin sa aking balat ay ‘di alintana pagkat ang presensya mo ay nangingibabaw. Isinawasiwas lamang ang pagka hiya ‘pagkat hangad lamang ay ang makilala ka. Hindi pansin ang mga taong nasa paligid dahil sa patuloy kong pinagmamasdan ang bawat anggulo mo na babaunin ko sa pag-alis. Sa pag-alis kong baon ang iyong mga ngiti at tawa, baon ang kwento mong salamin ng iyong buhay, baon ang mga alaalang parte ako ng buhay mo sa oras na ito.. mula sa ‘ting pagkikita hanggang sa aking pagsakay.

Sa pagduyan ay laman ng isipan ang pangakong hintayan. Sa dapit hapon ng ating pag liway, tugma ang bawat ritmo na sumasang-ayon sa labis na tiwala na ‘di malilimutan kailanpaman. Hindi linggid sa ‘king kaalaman na ganito pala kasaya ang isiping hindi ako nag-iisa sa pagtungo sa kinabukasan. Sa tuwina ay napapaindak sa saya, dama ang kaba, at lahat ng pwedeng madama sa hatid nitong hamon sa buhay ko. ‘Di mapigil ang mabilis na pagtibok ng puso, tanong ko tuloy, ito na ba ang para sa akin?

Pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili sa kasiyahang parang sumasabog ang lahat ng nasa loob ko. Kasabay ng pag-agos ng dugo sa aking mga ugat ay ang paggulo ng sistema na ‘di ko lubos maintindihan. Ngunit kabigha-bighani ang kapayapaang natagpuan sa balikat mo nang sa pagsandal ko’y dama ang bawat sandali nito.

Walang pakundangan ang kulitan na sa’yo lamang iaalay. Pangako ay mananaig, magunaw man ang daigdig. Pero alam kong daig ka pa saken kung kiligin, awh ah. Hahahaha! Tila wala na ‘tong katapusan, tadhana na ang may sadya tulad ng kalawakang walang hanggan. Sa daraang araw, oras, at sandali,  dagdag sa mithiin ko sa buhay, ay aalayan ka ng pang-habangbuhay- wagas at tapat na suyuan hanggang sa huli oh, giliw ko.

October 29, 2016

 

 

In time

In time,

we would wonder why,

why things would happen out of our control.

 

In time,

we would be puzzled,

puzzled about how we handle our life.

 

In time,

we would be convinced,

convinced that life isn’t perfect.

 

In time,

we would become regretful,

regretful with the chances we didn’t take.

 

In time,

we would try to think,

think about the dreams we want to achieve.

 

In time,

we would realize,

realize that at the end of the day, we are left alone.

 

In time,

we would discover,

discover that we are free as birds fly above.

 

In time,

we would fight,

fight for the good fight of faith.

 

In time,

we would fly,

fly to the other side of the world to find ourselves.

 

In time,

we would ditch,

ditch our fears and doubts to face the unknown.

 

In time,

we would sacrifice,

sacrifice our life for someone to live.

 

In time,

we would make a choice,

make a choice between what you want or what is right.

 

In time,

we would forget,

forget about reality and truths.

 

In time,

we would struggle,

struggle to ride on the bumpy road of life.

 

In time,

we would forgive,

forgive ourselves from the mistakes we made.

 

In time,

we would wish,

wish that tomorrow will get better.

 

In time,

we would accept,

accept that life is what we make it.

 

In time,

we would do more,

do more than just exist.

 

Because in time,

we would love,

love to see the world much more differently.

 

Because in time,

we would smile,

smile despite the tears falling from our eyes.

 

Because in time,

we would hide,

hide the pain and make the world wonder why.

 

Because in time,

we would grow strong,

grow strong and never be afraid to go wrong.

 

Because in time,

we would feel,

feel the glimpse of heaven for real.

 

In time.

In time..

In time…

It’s Hard

It’s hard,

to check

to check whether you’re doing it right or not.

 

It’s hard,

to encourage

to encourage when you’re the one who needs it the most.

 

It’s hard,

to correct

to correct mistakes of yours than others.

 

It’s hard,

to pay

to pay attention when no one else’s listening.

 

It’s hard,

to react

to react in times in shock and dismay.

 

It’s hard,

to play

to play along the good side of story.

 

It’s hard,

to please

to please everyone about things.

 

It’s hard,

to talk

to talk things openly.

 

It’s hard,

to share

to share a life when you don’t know who cares about.

 

It’s hard,

to smile

to smile when the only thing left in your mind is to cry.

 

It’s hard,

to believe

to believe that something good might happen.

 

It’s hard,

to trust

to trust over and over and over and over and over again.

 

It’s hard,

to forgive

to forgive with open arms and ditch the disappointments.

 

It’s hard,

to forget

to forget all the feelings of sorrow and pain.

 

It’s hard,

to organize

to organize a life full of mess.

 

It’s hard,

to begin

to begin all over again.

 

It’s hard

to lie

to lie a smile when deep inside you’re bleeding.

 

It’s hard

to take

to take so much of other’s time.

 

It’s hard

to ask

to ask for love and importance.

 

It’s hard

to expect

to expect things that could lead to hurt.

 

It’s hard

to stumble

to stumble and fall because somebody has pushed you down.

 

It’s hard

to give

to give thanks when you’re at peak of being sorry.

 

It’s hard

to appreciate

to appreciate when everything around you is unworthy of seeing.

 

It’s hard

to spend

to spend time with yourself all alone in the dark.

 

It’s hard

to see

to see things differently from now and then.

 

It’s hard

to understand

to understand and understand and that’s the only thing that’s left.

 

It’s hard

to cry

to cry out loud on someone’s shoulders.

 

It’s hard

to listen

to listen the imperfectness of life.

 

It’s hard

to achieve

to achieve things that you can’t reach.

 

It’s hard

to create

to create happiness during those sad moments in time.

 

It’s hard

to wish

to wish for the things you can’t have.

 

It’s hard

to value

to value people when you have to let them go.

 

But….

 

 

It’s never been hard

to express

to express a love like this through this poem.

 

21 Tries

 

I.

The dreams in the vast horizons,

Entwined to the road of infinity,

From its first blossom to metamorphosis

It’s grandeur and never ending bloom.

II.

“Ding-dong” calls the chances,

Letting it echo in my head.

Got some questions, got it covered.

What would I do to live it in joy?

III.

Is this the chaotic war in humanity?

To be confused and feeling like exploding,

With thoughts I’ve kept inside,

Therefore, this should stop.

IV.

Where would I stand?

Let the river flow?

or go against the current?

Let me distance with these decisions.

V.

The birds that fly along the mountains,

Any bird will do as long as it deviate my mind,

Blocking its view in my eyes,

But never the heart in distraction.

VI.

Living through the life I wanted,

Translating the voices in my head,

Connecting the dots along the choices I make,

To be puzzled by the thought of love.

VII.

Love? How can I say it best?

How can I defend myself from its terrible will?

Give me my fair trial…

I’m not yet ready to be imprisoned forever.

VIII.

There are bunch of things on my mind right now,

Proceeding to the negativity at its own way,

Following all the commutative laws of the norm,

Tell me my heart, what do I stand for?

IX.

Keep me away from the fire of love,

I might die from its burning desire.

Forgive me my dearest heart,

You are something I can’t endure.

X.

To whom can I rely?

Can you me why?

Writing my own thoughts,

To whom can I quote?

XI.

This truth at the back of my mind,

To which I cannot deny.

Am I falling for him all along?

Or was this just a created confusion?

XII.

I cannot define what’s inside my bottled feelings,

So afraid of what it could reveal.

Inside of me, no one holds the key,

But only Him alone knows where the door held.

XIII.

Tell me I’m insane and weak,

For simplicity sake, I still insist:

“I’m not in love! I’m not,I’m not”

As the shouts exploded, my heart cried.

XIV.

To love and to be loved in return,

Isn’t it wonderful dear Almie?

Says the crying heart

But how can I know if he is the One?

XV.

As far as I know,

My heart is in alarm,

Torn between the thought of falling,

Am I going to fall in love? or fall into pieces?

XVI.

Hundreds? Thousands? It might be Millions…

Millions of butterflies attacking my belly,

Feelings I cannot comprehend,

Because you were just a dream I once knew.

XVII.

Why am I like this nowadays?

Longed to hold someone’s arms.

I just can’t believe this is happening inside my system,

I never thought, I would be right for you.

XVIII.

Is there something that is much greater than love?

It’s a thing I cannot drive at my control.

My will is weakened by it’s powerful clash,

Can I just give in and let it flow me?

XIX.

Show me the road to light,

I cannot conquer its bright.

Blinded by the shine it brings,

Filled with magic coated with weirdness feelings.

XX.

I have doubted myself a hundred times,

In any ways, I find resolutions,

To fulfill my mind with hope,

To still have faith in love and the joy it brings…

XXI.

Remembering the happiness I felt whenever I’m with you,

From the first time you uttered my name,

I smile and wondered, my world became new,

How can I stop myself from falling in love with you?

 

 

Letters to Words to Phrases to Sentences to Feelings

Every single letter

that makes up the matter,

Of this and that,

From where I sat.

Every single word

that comes with worth,

Such things to wonder,

Those files in folder.

Every single phrase

Accounts to any craze.

Oh! such hanging thoughts,

That were never told.

Every single sentence

Comes with the essence,

That could make the mind happy,

Or that could make the mind grumpy.

Every single feeling,

Keeping me falling,

How can I deny?

To whom can I rely?

Every single unsent letter,

Compose of words that enter,

Striking the heart from phrases to sentences,

Stuck to the feeling of hollowness.

11/7/15

-AlmieJ.

Dear Woman,

Sometimes…..

You just have to be too much woman.

Too smart.

Too beautiful.

Too strong.

Too much of something.

That makes a man feel like less of a man, which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make is removing jewels from your crown to make it easier for a man to carry.

When this happens, I need you to understand,

You do not need a smaller crown.

You need a man with bigger hands.

To catch you when you fall.

(c) Shera Lee Mortejo

Heart Talks

Don’t ever think that my heart has someone new because my HEART already stopped searching by the day I SAW YOU.

Heartbreak

‘Pag naiisip ko siya, nalulungkot ako. I acted like it wasn’t a big deal, when really it was breaking my heart. Dahil sa pinagkatiwalaan ko siya ng lubos at iniwan niya lang ako sa huli. Hindi ko inakalang darating din ‘yung point na magiging ganito.

‘Yung sakit na nakakamatay. Aray. Ouch. Parang sinaksak ang dibdib ko ng milyong beses. Wow. Inasa ko sa kanya ang kaligayahan ko, ginawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko para mapasaya ko lang siya, pero wala eh. Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

Seryoso na ako sa pag-ibig ko, eh siya ba, minahal niya ba talaga ako? Feeling ko, ang puso ko’y napaglaruan lamang. Mahina akong tao, pero nagpapakatatag ako para sa sarili, pamilya at para kay God. The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve.

Deserve ko ba talaga ang ganitong kapalaran? It feels like, no matter how good of a woman I am, I will never be good enough to a man who isn’t ‘Ready’. Parang gusto ko nalang umiyak ng balde-baldeng luha. Kasi.. masakit.. masakit ‘yung maipagpalit ka lang sa iba. Masakit ‘yung minamahal mo siya kahit sinasaktan ka niya. Masakit kasi, may iba na siya dahil sa distansya niyong milya-milya. Sukatan ba talaga ang distansya sa pagmamahal? It feels like I’m losing myself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing me.

Nakakatawang isipin na for two years, nasa kanya ang sentro ng mundo ko. Ang mahahabang reply, at mga gabi-gabing puyatan ay nasayang lang pala. “You were never supposed to mean this much to me; I was never supposed to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that’s the truth, that’s what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let you go.” Naging motto ko ‘to DATI. Pero ngayon. Nagpapakamanhid ako sa nasapit kong ito. Mabigat sa loob syempre na ipagpalit ka sa ibang babae nang hindi mo alam. “Maybe one day, I’ll be what you need. But don’t wait too long… Because the day you want me, may be the day I’ve finally given up..”

Akala ko talaga, Siya na ang THE ONE- GOD’S WILL kumbaga. Akala ko lang ‘yun dre. AKALA KO LANG. Nais kong sumigaw sa sobrang sakit, pero may makakarinig pa ba? No matter how strong a girl is, she always has a breaking point.

What screw us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be. Because supposedly, pinangako naming sa isa’t-isa na maghihintayan.. Unfortunately, SHIT HAPPENS. If someone is stupid enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let them go.

At ‘eto pa ang pinaka-matinde, Siya pa ang nakipagbreak saken. Ang tanga ko rin naman para maniwala sa cool-off at space niya. I told myself : “ Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad.”

Sana masabihan ko ang next girl na mag-ingat sa mga kasinungalingan niya. He asked for a chance last October 16, 2013 at nakipag-break lang pag ika 14 ng Pebrero, 2014. Wow. Belib din ako sa galing niya. Blockbuster hit. Parang sampal sa pagkababae ko ang ginawa niya. That’s what happens when you let people in, and they destroy you.

Summer days of 2014, stupid me. Lagi pa rin kaming nagkikita kahit wala na kami for the sake that I hope that we could work things out again. Minsan bulag talaga ang pag-ibig, kahit nagpapakatanga ka na, ‘GO LANG NG GO dre!’. So, If a girl understands your bullshit, sticks through your mistakes, smiles even when you’ve done nothing for her, it’s obvious she’s a keeper. But it’s also obvious that you don’t deserve her. BOOM.

Ang sakit talaga. Ang sakit sakit ng ginawa niya sa’kin. Ewan ko lang kung mapapatawad ko pa siya o ang mismong sarili ko. What’s wrong with me? Ano bang kakulangan ko? Ganito ba ‘pag sobra kang magmahal dapat na sobra ring masaktan? All of us, wanted to love and be loved in return. To feel we are valued and cared for. One of the hardest things to do in life, is letting go of what you thought was real.

Sana, mapatawad ko pa siya at ang sarili ko. Gusto kong makalimot sa sakit na dulot ng nakaraan. Maybe, just maybe.. I entrusted my heart to the wrong guy. He borrowed my heart yet he just returned it to me broken in pieces. I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. Oh Dear Me, it may seem like the wrong thing to do but you have to forget about the guy who forgot about you.

Lagi nalang ganito sa aming dalawa, paulit-ulit… away-bati. Sasaya ka sa piling niya dahil after niyang mag-“sorry”, papatawarin agad. No questions ask. Pero pag sinaktan ka niya, hayun, iiyak ka na naman. Minsan, naiisip ko na ang hina kong babae. Yes, I admit it. I cried a lot everytime he hurts me. Pinapababa ko na pride ko, but even so, it seems nothing matters to what I say to him. I struggled to fix every problem we have… but it also seems, the fight I’m trying to win is the fight that I am going to be defeated in the end.

One of the hardest things to do in life is walk away from someone you love. But sometimes you have no choice.(sigh*)

Dahil sa kanya, mas nalilimutan ko na ‘yung mga bagay na importante pa sa isang romantic relationship. Lesson learned. I said to myself: “Ayoko na ng ganitong paulit-ulit na cycle.” She moved on, and I feel sorry for you, because she thought you were the most amazing boy ever. If she could have had any guy in the world, she still would have picked you. Now, you’re just another part of her past, a memory more faded every day. And someday, she’ll find the one she deserves, and he will make her the happiest girl in the world.

Babangon ako sa pagkakalugmok ng sarili. This is my greatest downfall in life. But I have faith in the Lord, and I still have the people I value the most in my life- Mama, Papa and Sis, Friends that always support me. I believe that the ones who love you will never leave you. Even if there are hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on.

Actually, ‘di ko naman talaga kailangan ng guy para madama kong “loved” ako at para ma prove and existence ko ditto sa world. Every girl is a freak, it just takes the right guy to bring it out. Eenjoyin ko ‘tong single life ko, dahil alam kong minsan lang ang maging Malaya. Hindi man kami nag work-out, alam kong darating din ang taong babago ng pananaw ko sa buhay at ang taong magtuturo sa ‘kin kung paano magmahal. Ang madarama ang tunay na kahulugan nito and the one guy who will bring out the best of me.

Yung lalaking yun, sana mahanap niya na rin ang taong para sa kanya. I wish I could hurt you the way you hurt me. But I know that if I had the chance, I wouldn’t do it. Siguro, sa ngayon, nasasaktan pa rin ako, pero, I will never forget the things I’ve learned in a relationship. Ang pag-ingatan ang puso at ipagkatiwala lamang sa taong deserving nito.

Forgiving you is my gift to you. Moving on is my gift to myself. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

God didn’t give me the strength to get back on me feet so that I can run back to the same thing that knocked me down.

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free. ❤

2012-2014

#RBA

“Moving On”, better say Moving Forward

Let me begin with this quote from a friend: “For one to grow, you must learn or master the art of letting go…”

Simply saying that, (*sigh) : Letting go is part of loving.

Almost, or did we just come to realize when it’s finally over? Right…? Thinking that it would ease the pain if you could just forget everything in one second, it’s a BIG NO. It hurts for awhile, then relaxes you when you forget it for the meantime but when memories will struck you, there you go again, feeling broken deep inside.

It’s hard. 

We tend to deviate the spot light of our life to set that as “letting go” just as that easy. Moreover, we ask for pieces of advice from people whom we trust- friends, family and even neighbors or ex- lovers. The bottom line is, “How to move on ?”

The real question should be, “Why move on?”. It is such a broad way to discuss anymore if one would ask the steps to move on. But in order to not complicate things, let us just give concrete reasons for that matter.

Well, first, it is better to say “Moving Forward” than to “Move on”. Because when we say moving on, it’s like you’re just staying still without any desires for that state of motion to direct you to a path of happiness and acceptance. “Moving Forward”– it means, one learns to walk it through life, becoming wiser and knows what to do next.

It doesn’t matter how long, but one thing must be clear,- Change is constant. Worldly love could change. But God’s love is eternity.

Through Him and with Him, Moving Forward would not just keeping you on track but also, making you a better version of yourself than before. That’s a good example of change at all.

Letting go, is part of life.

Suffering, is part of life.

Being lost for awhile, is part of life.

So therefore, one must find the light to move forward.

God’s love is the light. Have faith on Him. And most importantly, lay all your sorrows to Him. He has the perfect plan and will never go wrong. 🙂

Better to start thinking about it. Maybe it’s hard to accept that the person who used to love us couldn’t love us back anymore. But never ever doubt God’s love. 🙂

“Let it go”– it’s a part of life. But “Why?”

Not because, you stop loving someone. But it’s about you, yourself that you should think of first. Take the opportunity to love yourself, to love God, to love the ones you called “Family and Friends.”

Because life is short. Cherish time. Never lose hope on the magic of love.

A self-reminder, “Never give up on love. Someone is kneeling before God and praying for you. Keep believing in it. Never distance yourself from its magic. Allow your heart to feel it again; to celebrate again. You are looking at the same sky and like you, God is preparing him for your meeting. The dreams you once dreamed will all come to pass, probably not with the person you dreamed it with, but it’s definitely the man that God created exclusively for you. And trust me, he, himself, will be the definition of love to you. ”

Thanks to my old friend who inspired me this night to work on this blog. You know who you are. 🙂